Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
