I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
