i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Randomize
