Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize