i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
