Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
now i know why i became what i already was.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
this is an emotional support booty call
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
