just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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