mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Bring me that man meat
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
