How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
