Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
