Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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