so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
