I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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