Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
