I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
