Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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