so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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