I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Randomize
