i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
