I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
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