im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
