Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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