you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Randomize
