We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
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