Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
