I just made out with a guy for $7.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
