i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
