I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize
