i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
