I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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