chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
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