yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
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