The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
