if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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