I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize