Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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