I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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