I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
