I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
