You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
