Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
