If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize