The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
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