Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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