All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
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