i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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