when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
