she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
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