You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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