Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
