Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
