I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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