how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
