I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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