im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Just puked most of my soul out..
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
