this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
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