I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
Randomize
