I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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