I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
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