Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Randomize
