we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I just blew my weed a kiss
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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