can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
