Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize