He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
