Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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